Archive for January, 2010

Brother Touching Sister

Saturday, January 30th, 2010

Dear Del,

I have a problem with my younger brother. I am in high school, he is in middle school. A while ago, we took a family car trip, and he and I were in the back when I fell asleep. I woke up, with my eyes still closed, and felt a hand rubbing against my leg, and when I sat up, I saw him pulling his hand away. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t imagining it, and pretended to fall asleep again. I felt him rubbing his hand on my leg again. It didn’t seem like a big deal, so I ignored it. A few weeks later, he did the same thing on another car trip.

For a while it freaked me out, but I didn’t tell my parents. Today, I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up, with my eyes still closed, and this time I felt a hand on my butt. I moved, and saw my brother swiftly step back from the couch and walk away.

I don’t think he knows I know he’s doing these things, but it really creeps me out. I want to tell my parents, but it would be awkward, and I know my brother would accuse me of lying. He would also call me a liar if I confronted him before telling our parents. He would probably end up fighting with me, and he has violent tendencies, which scares me.

What should I do? Should I tell my parents? Or confront him about it? I don’t want him touching me again.

Dear Katie,

At his age the hormones are raging but they should not rage with you!  He probably does know what he is doing but after reading your entire email I think it would be wise not to tell your parents and don’t accuse him, but whenever you find him doing it, just take his hand away and in the future don’t fall asleep anywhere near him!  If worse comes to worse, just tell him to stop it or you will tell the parents.  Don’t let any fear of him stop you from stopping him!

Sincerely,

Del

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Bi-Sexual?

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

Dear Del,

I am having trouble in my sexual relationship with my boyfriend of 8 months. i’ve tried to communicate my needs to him but he gets his feelings very hurt by it. he isn’t aggressive enough in bed and doesn’t like when i “boss him around”. tonight the situation got very bad and he literally interrupted foreplay to complain. when i explained that the reason why i was being “bossy” was because he wasn’t aggressive enough he went into a monologue about his hurt feelings. additionally i’ve been watching woman online to turn myself on when i masturbate for a few years now, but i prefer to be with men in bed. i haven’t had allot of experience with girls, just some minor stuff when i was adolescent, should i try a girl to see if thats where my frustration lies or should i stay in this relationship and keep attempting to communicate?

Dear Hachi,

From your name I am thinking maybe you’re Asian.  If your boyfriend is also Asian that might explain his lack of aggressiveness and his sensitivity and hurt feelings.  If not Asian I will still give you this advice:  You should tell him that he should be glad you care enough to want to improve your sex life with him.  Be kind and gentle but firm and if he still doesn’t get it, I think you are with the wrong guy!  Many women get aroused by  watching other women making love to each other.  That is nothing to be ashamed of.  You should try it to see if you like it.  You may be bi-sexual.  In any case, your needs require a more aggressive lover and you should have one!  Keep me posted.  Good Luck

Sincerely,

Del

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Friends or More?

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

Dear Del,

I have been great friends with a guy for a couple years now. He has been by my side through a few difficult battles. No matter the distance between us, we never lose touch. he had made a comment to one of my friends about why we never dated, but I do not know what he meant by it. I really care about him and would love to pursue a relationship, but am worried about ruining our friendship. We have hugged, talked, had dinner dates, walks on the beach etc. He moved to Switzerland for 2 years for his company and I miss him. I hadn’t talked to him for a month or so when he called be out of the blue and asked me to come visit him. I do not know how to keep my feelings in check and not let on that I care more about him than just being his friend.

Dear Sarah,

Well, either he is extremely shy or, like you, is afraid to say he wants to be more than friends.  The only way is to go visit him and just be frank and ask him if he wants to be more than friends.  In this life, one must be willing to risk because if you don’t you may never have anything.  Can’t you tell by how he acts and talks to you?   The only way to find out anything is to ask!  If he doesn’t want more, and if that’s ok with you then assure him that you want to remain friends.  Be brave, Sarah.  Just ask him casually and lightly, almost jokingly and then see how he reacts.  Let me know what happens.  Also, when you visit him, if he lives alone, see where he expects you to sleep.  It may be with him!

Sincerely,

Del 

He has always been there for me and I likewise for him. He made a comment when I had dated someone about how lucky by boyfriend was. Was he saying that to be nice, or was he saying that because he wanted to be with me?

We both have the same family values, same interests and had never had a problem talking or being open with each other. I am so concerned about losing him as a friend, I am terrified to talk to him about how I feel.

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Can’t Handle Illness

Friday, January 8th, 2010

Dear Del,

My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. We have known each other awhile as we were both in the Army together, but I got out Feb of last year due to Cancer. He has known I have been fighting this disease, but since he deployed in October things have changed. I have been deployed to Iraq as well so I know how things can get lonely and depressing, but I’m not going to make excuses for him.

Well, in the beginning things were good. Then he started getting to where he would be really mean to me in the things he would say and accuse me of stuff I wasn’t doing. I am not a snoopy person, but for some reason gut instinct told me to check his myspace account. Low and behold, everything he was accusing me of he was doing. I was devastated to say the least. I really built this man up in my mind and he ended up being like the rest of the men I have been with. I trusted him and NEVER thought he would do something like that. Well, I confronted him about it and of course he got defensive…Blah, blah, blah. We discussed how this talking sexual to other females was still cheating and it was more of an emotional cheating and that’s just as bad. Since then he has opened up more to me, but I still feel like he is holding something back.

Two days ago he tells me he feels distant from me because he is scared because I am sick. Alright, he has known I have been sick for almost a year, so now he feels distant? He is deployed and I have no way of physically being able to address the issue other than Yahoo IM. So, when I openly try to communicate how I feel and how this upsets me, he turns it around on ME! Like I am the bad guy, and how I’m trying to make him feel bad for the way he feels. I don’t understand what’s going on here. One minute he’s all about us and our future together, and then the next he barely wants to talk to me. I know he suffers from depression and this is no excuse, but I don’t know what I am suppose to do here.

I have opened up all communication in efforts of trying to find out what’s going on. He tells me him feeling distant doesn’t change the fact that he loves me, doesn’t make him love me any less, and it has nothing to do with me, but if me being sick is causing him to feel distant because he is scared it has a lot to do with me. I just don’t know how to handle the situation anymore or know if maybe this is his way of telling me he has other interest now. How would I handle this. It seems like I only piss him off when I try to discuss things, it always ends up with me apologizing for everything and taking the blame.

Is it possible he is talking to other women on the internet again or has someone showing interest in him? I don’t know how to approach this anymore. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Dear Nichole,

I am so sorry for your circumstances. I guess it is somewhat “natural” for any person who loves another that has become ill, to feel confused and distant, BUT if the love is great and real, most people would want to stay with their loved one who is going thru such an illness rather than putting themselves first.  Not everyone is capable of that.  My advice to you at this time, even hard as it may be, is to break it off with him and concentrate on getting well.  Otherwise the stress that this is causing you may be very harmful to your condition.  Good Luck and
God bless!

P.S.  Anyone who would be mean to a sick loved one is a big fat Zero in my book!

Sincerely,

Del

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Don’t Stay With Abusers

Friday, January 8th, 2010

 

Dear Del,

ok i am a 16 year old girl. my boyfriend calls me a dumbass. he talks to me like i am retarded and i know he cheats on me. he flirts with his ex-gf rite in front of me. the twist to it is i dated his younger brother before and ever since i got with him. his younger brother has been paying more attention to me adn telling me i should leave his brother. all my friends say i deserve better then him cause he talks to me like i am shit and i know their rite and i still have feelings for his younger brother, but my question is after telling u all that he does to me why cant i leave him? why do i still love him and stay with him and up with his crap? i cry my self to sleep so much lately i dont know what to do my parents dont know what to do with me. my deperssion is getting worse by the day i need help can u help me, why do i stay with him? why cant i leave him? why do i still love him with all my heart?

Dear Ruth,

You have a very big problem.  Whenever anyone loves and stays with someone who abuses them, it means that that person has absolutely no self esteem whatever!  Whatever caused this is in your background and the only way to cure it is to go thru professional therapy.  I hope your parents can afford it but if they can’t there are places that can help with very little charge and you should check with your town or city to find one - otherwise you will spend your life caring for boys and men who treat you badly.  You don’t deserve that.  Please get help!

Sincerely,

Del

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Girlfriend in Boyfriend’s House

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

Dear Del,

I am 45, divorced and in a 5 year long relationship with a man aged 61. A girlfriend, 52, going thru a divorce has moved into my boyfriends spare room. Small red flags pop up everywhere and I feel like I am drowning in them. When it is pointed out, I get told the same thing, “there’s nothing going on.” But I have been excluded from things and he has not been nearly as attentive. He called me for supper and then forgot that I was coming over. By the time I arrived, they had eaten, had some wine and cleaned the kitchen and were watching tv. I feel like a silly, jealous school girl? My ex-husband left me for another woman after 19 years. Am I now paranoid?

Dear Lori,

No, you are not paranoid - your reasoning seems sound to me.  First I would talk to your “friend” and maybe you can get an honest answer out of her.  If not, she is not your friend and I would tell your boyfriend of your feelings and your disbelief in his response to your suspicions.  The least they both can do is to be honest with you.  It seems that he wants to eat his cake and have it too and your girlfriend may not mind this but you should!

Sincerely,

Del

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Who Opens Up First?

Friday, January 1st, 2010

Dear Del,

i’ve been friends with this guy for eleven months and we are real close friends.we spend alot of time toghether and i’ve grown to really love him.he’s not very open to his feelings for me but his actions and body language speaks something totally different.I want to take it to the next level but not sure if i should try right now. what should i do?

Dear Avis,

I don’t know what you mean by the “next level”.  But I would just show him by your actions that you are very into him so if he is shy that will encourage him to open up more to you.  In this world it seems that almost everyone is afraid to declare themselves first because they are afraid of being hurt/rejected so the one who has more confidence is usually the first to say “I love you”.  We women think it should be the man but that is not always so. If you do declare yourself be fairly sure that he feels the same way - otherwise, wait and see.  If you’re like me, I always want to know where I stand so I don’t waste my time if a guy doesn’t return my feelings.  Good Luck and keep me posted.

Sincerely,

Del

Posted in Shy or afraid? | No Comments »