Dear Del,
I am a 51-year-old widow after 34 years with my husband. I have been widowed two years. One year ago I met a very special man and we had a week-long “fling”. He asked me to stay; I was not ready to do that and left, but we remained good friends. Both of us dated and had other relationships.
He was looking for a renter this summer, and I wished to find a place to live in the country. I moved in. We were both in relationships at the time.
My relationship ended, and his has been on-and-off. Meanwhile, we have become very good friends. We have many shared interests that his girlfriend does not enjoy, so we do spend a lot of time in those pursuits.
We did have one physical encounter that did not lead anywhere while he was NOT seeing anyone - but he said that as my landlord he would feel he was taking advantage of me - that he wished to be friends only, for now, but - he left the future “open”.
As time has gone on, I have developed more respect and caring for him… and would definitely be interested in a relationship other than friendship. He has had several friends and relatives tell him that he should explore that with me, as well, and I have had input from friends saying the same thing. He IS still in this on-again, off-again relationship, though… he has told me he would like to have a committed, “life partner” - while she is not interested in that… but he continues to see her weekly. We have discussed it again just in the past few days; he knows that I have feelings for him, yet of course with this relationship still in the picture, I do not expect that he will reciprocate - and I am working on trying to “get over” my feelings - not an easy thing to do under the circumstances. I expressed to him that my feelings are MINE, that I *am* dealing with them and they are NOT his problem. He restated that he loves me as a dear friend and knows I love him as a friend also… which is true. We also discussed my discomfort about spending as much time with him doing things as I do - he does NOT tell his girlfriend those things… so I have told him I need to reconsider whether spending this much time together is wise (though I hate to give up my fishing/hunting buddy!). Meanwhile, he had a dear friend tell him last week that I should be his “Plan A”. This friend is a brilliant psychologist (my “landlord” is also a psychologist).
That conversation ended with my reaffirming that I am truly trying to get over my feelings, that I understand where he is with his girlfriend, that we truly do care about one another. The one thing I did ask him was whether I needed to completely give up hope. His answer was, I think, at least a bit ambiguous: “At this time in my life, I can’t just “dump” Jane (not her real name), it’s not in me to do that.” IMHO, that is not an answer. It still leaves a door open. Still, I was determined to continue to work on my own feelings and attitudes, keep dating, etc.
Yesterday morning, though, something happened and I have no idea what it meant and only served to confuse me more. He came downstairs in the early morning - I said “Good morning” and smiled - he said, “You have a BEAUTIFUL smile this morning!” Then he put his arms around me and hugged me. Okay, that’s fine, I thought - but then he added some backrubbing into the mix - and lastly, he kissed me. It was not a passionate kiss, nor a lingering one - closer to a peck - but he did. Later, another hug and quick kiss.
I find myself once again confused - this behavior is not what I would expect from a man who was truly trying to distance himself from an intimate relationship. Nor is it something that I would expect from a man who was interested in helping ME to get over HIM. My “landlord” also has mentioned the word “patience” several times - that things happen, we cannot always have what we want in our time, that I should “give it to God” and just be patient for HIS timing.
Any thoughts on what is going on here? Any advice? I’m really torn.
Dear Nancy,
First of all, you should move out. If he is not being clear or definite in how he feels about you it may be that he does still want your friendship but also wants to continue with his girlfriend and that is fine if it is okay with you. If you want more from him just tell him and say you are moving out to perhaps find someone who wants you for more than a friend and if he decides that it is you, you will move back in. A quick peck and a hug is a gesture of friendship and unless he starts passionately kissisng you, he may be just interested in friendship. In any event, you should move out.
You can still be friends even tho you are not living there but when you want more it is better to move on.
Sincerely,
Del
