Dear Del,

I am a married man. About 2 years a go I meet this woman at work and it was not long and we were having an affair. We feel in love and are in love to this day. The problems comes because she is in a relationship to that is very abusive he has locked her in the basement chucked her calls her names all the time he threw her off the boat and onto the duck brusing her legs about 6 inchs round. I am currently seperated from my wife. I have tried talking to this woman but it has done no good. She tells me that if she leaves he will find her and possible kill her or drage her back to the house he has also threatened my life. I neeed some advice on how to handle this sitution can you help. I am very worried about her. She says she loves but is affaired of what he will do if she was to leave. Can u help me

Dear

She has to leave and get a restraining order from the police and so do you.  This is a terrible situation.  Ask the police what other options you may have.  Good Luck!

Sincerely,

Del

Dear Del,

I had wrote you weeks ago with no response, needing it so…. I understand you probably get hundreds of questions & you have to choose unable to answer everyone. I was asking about my boyfriends behavior with other girls & text, lieing ect. While you choose to respond to a girl losing her virginity I was getting abused! I’m sorry I know your doing this to help others. What he ha done & does is no one but his own. I just have never felt so alone & never felt so close to death as I did when he was beating me! I have been through alot crashes that cops didn’t know how I made it out of, a rap from someone I knew ect. now the person I thought I’d marry & live with states away from anyone I know now is killing me mentally & physically abusing me! His broke my phone & has hide my keys the only thing I have now is this laptop that some how has made it through! I’m just now able to use both my hands & only able to make it to the bathroom hoping not to pass out from pain on the way! Though I can’t leave now for I can’t really walk, nor have keys if I could drive! I Love him! All my life all I wanted was to bring joy in others life, in thinking I’d rather all this happen to me & not someone else! Every time I try to help me though something else horrible happens, I’m so lost & confused! I don’t want to disappoint my momma & I want to hug her so bad with all I have & make her proud! I just really want to be free though & the only thing I have faith in anymore besides her is God & I feel I just need to be with him! Everyone says there’s always an answer & you can always change your path, really? I’ve tried & I truly wish that was the truth! I truly pray no one else feels like I do & if so I hope they can find the right way out! God Bless You & Everyone!

Dear Daneille,

I did answer you but sometimes I don’t do it on the website but answer you directly.  I’m sorry you didn’t receive it.  As you stated I do get many “hits” (questions) and don’t remember them all or what I answered, but in reading your current one, all I can say is that anyone who loves and stays with such an abusive person needs therapy to find out why.  Almost always it is because of very low self esteem due to being abused in early and middle childhood (either physical or mental abuse).  This causes people to love only those who will continue to abuse them.  My best and sincere advice is for you to leave this man and get professional help.

Sincerely,

Del

Dear Del,

ok i am a 16 year old girl. my boyfriend calls me a dumbass. he talks to me like i am retarded and i know he cheats on me. he flirts with his ex-gf rite in front of me. the twist to it is i dated his younger brother before and ever since i got with him. his younger brother has been paying more attention to me adn telling me i should leave his brother. all my friends say i deserve better then him cause he talks to me like i am shit and i know their rite and i still have feelings for his younger brother, but my question is after telling u all that he does to me why cant i leave him? why do i still love him and stay with him and up with his crap? i cry my self to sleep so much lately i dont know what to do my parents dont know what to do with me. my deperssion is getting worse by the day i need help can u help me, why do i stay with him? why cant i leave him? why do i still love him with all my heart?

Dear Ruth,

You have a very big problem.  Whenever anyone loves and stays with someone who abuses them, it means that that person has absolutely no self esteem whatever!  Whatever caused this is in your background and the only way to cure it is to go thru professional therapy.  I hope your parents can afford it but if they can’t there are places that can help with very little charge and you should check with your town or city to find one - otherwise you will spend your life caring for boys and men who treat you badly.  You don’t deserve that.  Please get help!

Sincerely,

Del

Dear Del,

ok my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months now he has three kids i have none the youngest child is one and lives with us we are going thru a huge custody battle with his ex nothing has actually been to the courts yet just fighting between each other, i quit my job 3 months ago now because i had to stay home to watch his daughter, now he constantly complains that he is the only one working but when i go to find a job he cant find a reliable babysitter so i can actually go to work, i have no time for myself, even when he is home he doesnt help with the baby and we fight over this all the time!! also he tears up our house, punches holes in the walls, throws chairs into things, pretty much just destroys our house which we rent so we have to fix it and soon!! and anytime i ask for just a few minutes by myself its a huge fight he says i dont need a break from him because he is my boyfriend and anytime i try to hang out with friends without him it is a huge fight usually i dont even go because of how bad the fight gets he does not trust me at all yet all i do is sit at home clean and take care of his daughter, sometimes i just get so sick of everyone i just want my own time but he doesnt understand that and i feel bad for feeling so sick of everyone but i do i just feel smothered! i love this man with all my heart and i would not know what to do without him, i do not want to leave him i just want everything to stop!! i want to get along please help me how do i get him to understand my feeling and how do i understand his? i want us to be able to communixate and get along!

Dear Shelbi,

You must have no self-esteem to stay with such a jerk.  How can you love such a man???  Leave him immediately and get into therapy; then you’ll know what to do without him - celebrate and be well enough to care for someone who is good to you.  You deserve better!

Sincerely,

Del

hello del,
ok heres the deal my wife and me have been together 5 years and married 2 years i have tried so hard to keep this alive but no matter what i do it seems the more i try the more she resist i am so tired of fighting and i just am ready to call it quits after 5 years of no infidelity she still accuses me of cheating and nothing makes her happy no matter what i do. So recently ran in to a old friend who is in about the same situation and she informs that even though she hasn’t seen me in 9 long years she still in love with me and i was also in love with her but i guess neither one of us was brave enough to say something till now. i really need some advice severly thank you

Dear Tony,

Leave your wife and go back to your old girlfriend.  I do not say this lightly, but the way you describe your wife she is an abusive woman.  Or you could talk to her and tell her what you have told me and if she is not willing to change to save the marriage, read my first sentence.

Sincerely,

Del

Dear Del,

why do guys sometimes treat you bad?

Dear Maria,

What a huge and extremely general question!  I am not a psychologist but I imagine different guys have different personality problems and any guy that treats you badly without provocation must have issues or “baggage” in his life that causes them to act that way.  Ask them and if they don’t have a good answer, move on.

Sincerely,

Del

Dear Del, I was married for 18 years to an abusive man. I am have now been divorced for 7 years, I recently bumped into my ex husbands brother at the park while I was walking, We have been walking together since and now he has asked me out, I dont know what to do, back in High School we were first attracted to each other but his brother obviously was the more aggresive one and asked me out. I dont know what to do pleas help me out.ll

Dear Sara,

Well, if you really like this man and you don’t think he would be like his brother, and if your ex would not be mad and abuse you again if he found out, I would go out with the brother, but be careful and remember all my “ifs”.

Sincerely,

Del

DEAR DEL,

I GO WITH THIS BOY AND HE BEAT ME BECAUSE HE THINKS IM OUT CHEATING. IM ONLY 18 YEARS OLD AND HE IS TO. WE NOW HAVE A BABY ON THE WAY AND HE GETS MAD AND TALK BAD ABOUT ME AND THE BABY, BUT SOMETIMES I THINK HE FEEL THAT DON’T NO ONE LOVE ARE CARE ABOUT HIM NOT EVEN HIS FAMILY, AND I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE HIM IN THAT CONDITION WITH BEING UNDER SO MUCH STRESS.  WHAT SHOULD I DO?  

DEAR TAVIA,

DO NOT STAY WITH ANYONE WHO BEATS YOU!!!  HE OBVIOUSLY HAS HAD A TERRIBLE BACKGROUND AND WILL NOT CHANGE WITHOUT THERAPY.  THINK OF YOUR BABY AND GET OUT OF THERE!!!

SINCERELY,

DEL